I'm having surgery on Friday the 24th. I've been grudgingly coming to terms with this for the last two days: I've talked it out to death, cried it out (if there is such a thing), rationalized it two dozen times (my poor co-workers have listened to me yammer on and on), and made my final decision last night, when I realized I can no longer have my body subjected to so much pain and stress. So, I am having surgery.
I'm absolutely terrified. I'm not even going to try to be funny, or witty, or irreverent in this post: I am tired, scared, and mad. I wish there was a better way. I wish that half of my doctors didn't disagree with the other half! I wish there was a solution. I don't consider an 8-10 inch bodily incision and the hacking off of parts of your intestine an agreeable "solution".
But I'm done; my hands are up - I surrender! Not to say I won't be fighting this disease, but something has got to give. I acknowledge that.
My abscess is still there. My terminal ileum is still greatly inflamed. And, above all, I'm just hurtin'. (When a narcotic drug isn't doing it for you anymore, you know something is wrong.)
More about all of this later, you know, when I can compose a more thoughtful post. But above all, thank you for listening to me rant and rave (I know it's not always fun listening to a girl complain).
*big hug* That /is/ frightening! I know it is small comfort, but there are people out here (in addition to your family) that are rooting for you! It's scary but it will not be as bad as your imagination is probably already envisioning. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteI always find tales of other people's successes to be reassuring so I'll share the story of one of my good friends. She had a horrid case of Crohn's which confused the doctors for a while. When she finally had surgery she broke all kinds of hospital records (not the good kind) and had a lot of bowel removed. The point though is... today she's doing great! She's active, can eat what she wants and is pain free! So don't worry- your doctors are right... surgery can often be a good route to take.
It's scary but from what I've seen in the comments on your blog- your family is there for you. Good luck, you can do it!
*another hug*
~Bright Side
Aw, thank you Bright Side for leaving such a sweet note. Hugs all around!
ReplyDeleteYes, that is comforting. I try to remind myself that the horror stories I read online are from folks who have the disease very, very badly, and the ones who are doing well aren't posting. But it's hard...so I stopped Googling Crohn's surgery! I'm DONE! ;-)
And I've got a great support network. The hospital has WiFi so I'm sure you'll be seeing some posts from me while in there as well!
Thank you sooo much for your support!
Kathryn
Kathryn, While the prospect of surgery is daunting, sometimes a sense of peace can be gained by having made a decision. You carefully considered your options and listened to your doctors (as conflicting as their opinions may be!), so I think you can feel confident about your choice. As you mentioned in your post, the internet can be a source of much information, but also can be very anxiety producing. I agree with you, it's the horror stories that people most often feel moved to share. We are all with you!!!! Cyndy
ReplyDeleteThank you Cyndy! I am starting to feel better about everything, but I don't think I'll ever be at peace, but I'm slowly getting use to the idea...
ReplyDeleteI have a little conversation with myself everyday about it (really)...I just talk it out and argue both sides. Even though talking to yourself is strange (especially folks in the cars next to me), it helps.