I definitely have my moments of, "Not again..." (usually when I'm just falling asleep late at night) or sometimes, "Oh shit..." (this is usually when I'm halfway between work and home and have to immediately use the restroom). This weekend has been particularly trying as I've been running to the loo since Friday afternoon (suspiciously since the time of my work's cook-off; I'm guessing there was definitely some tampering with food since the competition is so high-stakes and all, I mean, we give out wooden spoons with ribbons tied on them for gosh sakes!).
I saw my surgeon a few weeks ago for a follow-up. Upon him walking into the examination room, I said I was feeling great, this is all just a formality (right?), and what time is your last patient because you're looking ridiculously dashing today (fine! I did not say that).
A few minutes later, when he was inspecting my incision site, I mentioned I was feeling a bit crampy. "You just said you were great," he replied. I told him yes, I am, but sometimes I have cramps. He asked if I needed the Percocet. I told him it was nothing like that, just subtle. He laughed and looked at me. "You're fine."
This is the thing: I have minor cramping, and a lot of phantom pain. After every twinge of discomfort, no matter how small, I hold my breath and wait. Did it go away? Is it all happening again? Was my surgery for nothing? Is there some way to get a new immune system? My can't intestines regenerate like worms? (Well, I think most of these things.)
But I suppose that is no way to live; I'm neurotic enough as it is, why add this to the mix? I have better things to worry about, namely, what are we going to have for dinner tomorrow night, and what the heck is Matt doing now?
I can totally identify. I had my first and only surgery in Jan 2005 and can honestly say it was for the best. Overall I've definately been healthier than ever and I reckon we learn to read and understand our bodies as to what it needs to be its healthiest. Stress is a big no-no for me. I've noticed I land up in bed a day or so after I was very mad or stressed. I reckon we have a hairline trigger which we need to learn to manage.
ReplyDeleteJust hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself! You're not supergirl and you're not alone!
Oh man I know that anxiety over when it's gonna come back. I guess it's just what we're gonna have to deal with...forever, and ever. So we gotta get used to that, remember some have it way worse and just enjoy the well times we have. We'll make it!
ReplyDeleteHi guys!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely; it could be a heck of a lot worse - I know in the Crohn's realm I'm relatively lucky so far. Thank you for the words of encouragement, and it's nice knowing there are a lot of us out there! (Well, you know what I mean...it's not nice we have this wretched disease, but you get my drift!)
And I absolutely agree re: stress -- I took a grad class on statistics right before my huge flare-up this past fall, and the class was incredibly frustrating and stressful (it determined if I was going to gain admittance into this particular MBA program). Well, I got the necessary grade, but now I'm not so sure if I want an MBA - funny how life works out like that!!! (When you get sick your priorities change.)
Thanks again girls!