Sunday, July 29, 2012

The long, hot summer




Thought I'd share some lovely moments from the past couple weeks.  l.ast Saturday Matt took Annie into his parents' pond.  They swear she liked it, but I don't think she was terribly pleased.  She's a lady, though, and handled the whole ordeal with steel-faced grace.

And below are some photos (and video) of Annie during her evening diaper changes.  What a little spitfire.








I have been feeling good this month.  During the July 4th holiday I found out I was super low on vitamin B12, D, and iron.  My doctor prescribed weekly B12 shots, a daily iron supplement, and lots of good ol' vitamin D weekly (100,000 units!).  Lo and behold, the past three weeks I haven't contracted a cold, or, jeez, another bout of pink eye or Hand, Foot, and Mouth (yes, that really happened) and my Crohn's is chugging along with any additional hiccups.

And last, but certainly not least, today is Matt's birthday.  He is 30 and not happy about it.  I told him to look at all we've went through in our twenties, and look at all the joy we've cultivated and the life we've built.  That boy ain't buyin' it though, and is still mumbling about how "old" he is.  Lord help me when he finds his first grey hairs.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Busy beach days

This past week was Annie's first jaunt to the beach.  We were wary: heat, salt water and sand doesn't sound like a winning combination when you have a "I know what I want!" type of infant.  And I was getting over yet another cold.  But sometimes things just come together swimmingly: Annie surprised us and was utterly delightful, and I kept my cold at bay to enjoy our time at the shore.

Every summer Matt's extended family visits the little Victorian hamlet of Ocean Grove, NJ, and I know how wonderful it's been to be included in on their little traditions: dinners on the beach, bikes to breakfast, an annual cheese and baguette fest on the oceanfront hotel's upper balcony, walks to nearby Asbury Park, and of course the daily pilgrimage (just across the street) to the beach.  She's one lucky girl to partake in, and continue on, these traditions.

All dolled up for the beach!

Annie touching a baby crab, presented by Matt's cousin Rob.

Ever on the balcony: the scene of many breakfasts and chats.  Here's Annie and Matt before the annual cheese fest.

Father and daughter.

Matt and Annie perpetually goofing around.

David, Annie's "Poppy Hoppy" introducing her to the water.

I think she prefers to be held.

Me and Annie under the umbrella.

Annie on her "Granny Nanny"'s lap.  

I will say she did enjoy sitting on the blankets and playing!

Just had to include this because of that smile!  This is a new expression.
(She was also continuously pursing her lips together like a duck, but unfortunately didn't get to capture that.)

Forever interested in the camera.

Matt and Annie.
This was her very first foray into the water.  She cried shortly after this photo was taken.

One of the most memorable moments of the trip.
This is Matt's grandmother, Gram, her husband, Cliff, and Matt.
Cliff was trepidatious in going into the ocean, so Matt and Gram held his hands as they took to the surf.

Everyone came back down to the beach for dinner, later in the evening.
This is Annie partaking in her own meal by the surf.

Several members of Matt's family as we ready for another nighttime meal on the beach.
(That's Matt looking creepy in the lower right-hand corner.)

Friday, June 22, 2012

Lucky number 7


My dear, sweet little Annie.  Yesterday you turned seven months old, which, to me, is simply mind-boggling.  You have grown from a sleepy newborn to an inquisitive little girl who’s closer to a year old than her birth date.  You remain resolute and so very steadfast when you’re hitting your blocks against one another or when you demand (yes – demand) we carry you around the yard so you can see every tree, plant and passing car.  You tug at branches and examine leaves in your little hands, and then let them flutter to the grass.

You have a quiet intensity, but then are suddenly delighted when we plop you in your exersaucer so you can play your “piano”, or when we make silly faces in the mirror together.  Your dad can make you laugh like no one else – you two have a very special kinship and it warms my heart to stand aside and watch your bond grow.  Sometimes he just laughs and then you laugh, your eyes forming matching half-moon crescents from your shared joy.  Everyone says you inherited your eyes from your father, but you have my nose. 

Oh, how you hate peas.  I’ve tried so hard to incorporate them in your menu, but can only trick you into eating a spoonful when they’re mixed with mostly applesauce.  When you realize it’s a dreaded pea, you crinkle your nose and squint your eyes and proceed to mock cough and frail your arms and hands.  Then you look at us accusingly and the whole spectacle makes us giggle, so we always try to do it again (usually then you’ve wised up and simply refuse to eat any more).

You have a strong appetite and hungrily feed yourself sweet potato, pear, apple, banana, and carrot purees.  You grab the spoon and awkwardly jab it into your mouth, sucking on the contents.  Sometimes you bang your fists against your tray in excitement, your eyes shining.  You remind me of a burly king at the head of the table, demanding more wine in his goblet and meat in his belly. 

You now recognize us when we enter a room, or when we look your way.  Yesterday you were on the couch with daddy, and I came downstairs and you looked up and just beamed.  You kicked your legs and arms and seemed to say, “Hey! The gang’s together again!”  I am loving this in particular.

You also now know your name – Annie – but dad still calls JoJo almost exclusively, and when I’m mad I call you Miss Joanna Rose!  I think you will be mischievous; you are already learning cause and effect and I swear pushing your toys off your high-chair tray just to make me scoop them up!

We used to tow you to the store in your carseat but now, more than ever, you demand to be held upright so you can see the people and products.  You love scanning the shelves and whipping your head left and right to soak everything in, and grabbing at the sales tags lining the aisles.  You love paper in general and crumpling it up - your favorite day is when we receive all the supermarket circulars!

Your daycare teachers, especially Fran, really seem to adore you (or they’re good actors!).  They had you pegged when just after a few weeks there they said, “This is a girl who knows what she wants!”  A few weeks ago, when your dad and I sent in a mixture of peas and applesauce (but mostly peas), we got a note that said, “She does NOT like peas AT ALL!,” and I could just imagine you giving them the same theatrical and heavy-handed charade you give us when we sneak them to you!

We’re glad they take your headstrong and (sometimes) demanding nature in stride.  Yesterday when I picked you up at the end of the day you were sitting down and closely examining a toy with your friend, Adrianna.  Everyone says you are two peas in a pod, and I just watched you both from the doorway and felt so proud that you were playing independently.  However, one thing that differentiates your from Adrianna is that she was on her stomach, and you still utterly refuse.

You abhor tummy time!  Can you believe you’ve only rolled over a few times at four months old?  It’s true.  I am exasperated at your protests and your dad is just tickled; he says you don’t need to crawl because you’re going to go right to walking, but I disagree and say you need to build those muscles.  You dad and I also disagree on occasional TV.  Sometimes I’m just tired and don’t know what to do with you so I put a few minutes of a baby video on.  Your dad hates this and barges into the room and scoops you up.  He says you only should have interactive play, and you look like a zombie when you watch Baby Einstein.  I’m just happy to have a few moments to myself!

He can be a softy, too.  During the early morning – and especially on the weekends when we try to “sleep in” to seven, your dad will bring you into our bed after you wake.  He told me the other day, “Don’t you just love it?  Falling asleep next to her as she’s smiling at you?”  I suspect you think you tricked us by getting time in bed, but maybe the joke’s on you, little one: we all relish those morning moments as we cuddle and fall once again into a quiet slumber.

We are finally getting this baby thing down.  Penny has even grown to accept you and welcomes you home every day with a perfunctory sniff.  She often comes over and licks your sticky hands and feet, and waits below your high-chair for your empty food containers, and then laps up the leftovers.  You reach and pet her, too, and I’m so thankful we have such a gentle dog who takes your petulant outbursts in stride.  We call her your big sis.

You dad and I talk a lot about the future: we talk about how fun Christmas mornings will be, or decorating Easter eggs together.  We talk about homework and school sports and dance and neighborhood friends (basically all the fun stuff).  We’re excited to take you on our very first beach vacation next week (okay, excited and a bit scared!).  We want so very much for you, Annie, and you have given us so very much.  We love you, kiddo.  Happy seven months.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Day by day

My nemesis is about 5'3", drives a Nisson Xterra (those bulky things are an abomination) and scowls at me every time I see her.  I feel like there are "Mommy Wars" in every context (home versus hospital births, breastfeeding versus formula, working versus not), and now I'm in my own personal battle with this moody mama from daycare.

Our daycare is in a well-off area, but we picked it because 1) it's close to my train station and 2) it seemed a lot more unstructured and normal than the Ivy League-groomin' joint down the street.  I mean...it's daycare. 

Anyway, let's get down to business: many of the parents are obviously doing pretty well because they have nice cars, clothes, and fancy baby seats. I'm totally ogling their kids' gear when they're not looking.  We have the Target special and drive the cheapest versions of a 2004 Civic and a 2005 Corolla.  The latter has packaging tape holding it together.  (Don't be intimidated by our high-roller lifestyle.)

So there I am every morning, shortly after seven, wearing something that is inevitably wrinkled, getting out of my sweet ride, and this mom gives me a raised eyebrow as I wobble in with my sweet little girl strapped in her car seat.  We are not so frumpy and frazzled that it makes us pathetic or endearing (movies with harried moms always make them seem cute and endearing): we're just doing our thing and a bit tired.  When I was in Annie's room I mentioned that she had a bit more peach fuzz than before (I mean, she's still pitifully bald, but we cling to the notion of a "a bit more fuzz!") and this other mother guffaws and comments on the luxuriousness of her child's hair while turning to me.  Look - no infant has luxurious hair!  It's called "baby fine" for a reason.  She then looks me up and down.  How dare this woman make me feel small.  Aren't we all in this together?  This is not easy.

Putting Annie in daycare is hard, but has not ravaged me the way I thought it might: during my last days of maternity leave I sat on my couch and wailed.  But it didn't talk long (like a day!) to find I like my adult time.  I like having a break.  But it still kills me she's there so often and for so long.  When her teacher took me aside this morning and said that Annie had a horrible day yesterday - that she was so fussy and inconsolable - my eyes welled up and that familiar tightness in my chest returned.  The teacher hugged me and said they'll watch her today - hopefully it will be better - it might be an ear infection or she may be teething, or she just had a bad day.  And I said thank you, please let me know, and I got in my car and cried.  Not just about her, but about both of us.

And this is when it's hard - when the puzzle pieces are still askew and nothing seems to be fitting, at daycare or at work.  For a job and industry that doesn't pay well and doesn't have any prestige (I can pick 'em!) I have a large workload and a lot of anxiety that surrounds it.  I have spoken to my boss about my inability to continue like this.  I even mentioned my Crohn's and how I'm having a flare that I believe is stress-induced - perhaps a risky corporate move, but needed.  Her sensitivity and response gives me hope.

And then I asked Matt to pick-up Annie earlier - to see how she was doing today.  I called him while still in the city shutting down my computer and he already had Annie home and she was "happy and smiley", and like that I felt instant relief.  I felt lightened.

I've been finding being a working mother very much like this: the pains ebb and flow, but for the most part, we're fine and we keep moving on.  One step - and day - after the next.

And with that, I boarded my train home.

That little girl is my beacon.


Two weeks ago was my 30th birthday.  Matt and Annie surprised me in the city and we went for lunch.  So incredibly sweet.  


We all took the train home together.  I think it's so sweet Annie and Matt took the train in alone together - she was well-behaved both ways!  Here she is mesmerized by my jewelry.


That weekend it was hot so we got out our baby pool (which we originally bought for Penny last year).  Matt and Annie took a dip!


Here's Annie in the backyard watching Matt work on the trellis he's building with his father.  He set this up for her when I was taking a nap:  they are quite the dynamic duo!


The trellis.  For Matt's darn arctic kiwi plants.  (The ideas this boy gets in his head.)

Matt's father David, Matt, and Annie on top of the trellis.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Health update

Two weeks ago:

“You should soak your hiney hole in a nice warm bath.”

I swear Matt said this last night.  Not even in a goofy way.  Totally straight-faced.  And there it is: the dynamic of our relationship summed up in one giggle-inducing line.

My health has not been good the last week or so.  You know when you go to the GI and they ask how many times you go to the bathroom daily?  I’m always sitting there, my sweaty butt clinging to the thin paper on the examination table and I have absolutely no idea what to say.  You might as well have asked me what the cold fusion was.  “Oh, I dunno, four?”  So, I counted this past week, and it’s about twelve times a day and this number is just jaw-droppingly startling to me.  (And while we’re on it, how can I not be remotely thin at this point?!)

I have not felt this bad in a long time.  Yesterday I upping my Pentasa dosage and cut irritants out my diet (yeah, yeah, I know – it took a while).  I realized I developed quite a fondness for coffee, devilish liquid it is.

Along with my poor bum, my throat is sore and immobilized; I am having difficulty swallowing and went to bed at Annie’s bedtime last night.  And this morning?  I woke up with an eye that was pink.  “Oh, HELL NO,” I said to the mirror, “This is riDUNKULOUS.”  And that’s when Matt said I should call off and I started crying and saying things like, “You and your infinite sick days!  I have so much on my plate, you have no idea!  I just can’t NOT go in! 


Today:


I wrote the above two weeks ago, just as I (and the family) was coming down with an annoying case of pink eye (viral, as Matt and I then had a cold that ebbed and flowed and never really seemed to go away until just now).


Things are good now, but with Crohn's, I realize I rarely feel great.  I often feel just okay, and get through the day with bathroom runs dotting the afternoon and evening - 2 o'clock, 4 o'clock, and oh god, I have to catch the train but should I go again?  That's at the cusp of 5 o'clock.


There are no bathrooms on the train.


That is whack.

So, here's to eating with a more watchful eye, taking my meds diligently, and praying that my luck with the train never runs out.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Bear with me

It's amazing how blogging just gets away from you.  I have these flashes, these moments, in the shower, or walking to the train station, but have no computer or pencil in hand and then I get home and it's baby until eight and my "me" time, which is numbing and mindless (but in a pretty good way).  I have so much to say but when I sit in front of the computer it's gone, so I turn on the TV and browse other blogs and then turn off the light for bed.  Blogging, sadly, has gone the way of cooking.  Or cleaning.  (Although I was never really one for cleaning.)

Work has been non-stop and I so when I am home, and she is in bed, I can do little more than just be.  Deep, deep bows to working parents of multiple kids, who have to get homework and lunches done, bathes taken and bedtime stories read.

So, with that, there is more coming, but bear with me as I pull my blogging bootstraps up.  And, as always, thank you for reading.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The pump

I was at a conference this past week in New York for two days.  During a breakout session, we had to speak about something that was on our minds, or close to our heart, while another person quietly listened, and I said, "I'm going to talk about my daughter, Annie."  So I did: I spoke about how I couldn't wait to get on that train home to see her.  I talked about the guilt that surrounds my decision to work.  I talked about how she has made me both whole, and has stripped the clarity from my thought process.  I talked about how nothing is fully right, or wrong, these days but my love for her is immense.

We only had a minute in this exercise, and the other person was not allowed to talk.  And to fill a minute of rapt attention and still silence, you talk.  You find yourself saying things you never articulated out loud.

I've found that I can balance being a working mother, but, damnit, it sometimes is just positively shitty.  Before I had her, things were clear: breast was best, of course I was going to work, no TV and only engaging toys, and I was going to read to my child every day and I was going to make homemade pureed sweet potatoes and quinoa and whatever else organic fare was trendy.  And now things are so very muddled to a murky grey and I can't believe there was a time when the resoluteness of my impending parenthood was so stark.  So I cling to what I can do, because there's a lot that I don't:  take the other day when I was lazy and plopped her on my lap and we both watched a steamy scene from The Vampire Diaries (her blue eyes wide as she sucked her pacifier gazing at the two main characters...well, going at it).  Also, the kid only gets a bath once a week.  This is very embarrassing but very true.

So I do what I can, and I've found there's one thing that makes me feel like a mother first and foremost during work.  There's one thing that makes me redeem myself just the slightest bit, that softens the blow of dropping her off at daycare all day, and that makes me feel close to her even when I'm in the city and she's in her infant room in the suburbs, and makes me forget that the last bath she has was eight days ago, and that is breastfeeding.

I know breastfeeding is not the only right choice, but for us it clicked.  I was very fortunate it came easily to us after the typical first-week "How the hell do I get this baby to stay on the boob?!" latching quandaries.  So I'm just going to talk about my experience with it, which is neither the right way nor the wrong way.

For my overnight conference everything I needed was no larger than a loaf of bread: I packed a small ziplock bag of make-up with my toothbrush and toothpaste and deodorant, a change of underwear, a hairbrush and a new shirt.  That was it.  It fit in my laptop bag.  My other bag, the larger one, had my breast pump with ice packs and extra bottles and flanges (the things that suction onto your boobs) and I was determined to make it work.  To walk through the door the following day with ice-cold milk, my womanliness dripping (almost literally) from me.  Being a new mom, and particularly (well, for me) a new working mom, has made me feel supremely inadequate in my motherhood.  I spend no more than an hour a day with Annie after work, and most of that time she is fussy and foul-tempered from a long day at daycare. So I cling to this: because I don't know 100% if I should be working (two elderly neighbors told me straight out I was making the wrong choice), and I don't know if we're doing enough tummy time (fine, we aren't), and I have a dark fear she may not have the deep, intense bond other babies have with their mothers, but at least I can do this for her. So I lugged that pump with me in the city and locked myself in a corner bathroom at the conference center and and turned the nob to max, thought of my love for that little girl, and turned that sucker on.

Do you know after a pumping session your nipples are a good half inch longer?

During lunch at the conference I called the hotel to confirm there was a fridge in my room.  "No." said the gentleman I spoke to.  "Can I have one?" I asked.  "Your room is too small," he replied.  I asked him to upgrade me.  He said the hotel was booked solid.  I then said, "It's for a medical reason," which is not truly a lie (perhaps?) but a tall tale, and I got my refrigerator.

But it had no freezer, and I needed to re-freeze my ice packs for the following day at the conference and traveling home.  I asked them to place my bag of ice packs in their restaurant freezer.  For good measure I added, "There's nothing funky in the bag, I swear."  Ten minutes later a hotel employee was at my door collecting my non-funky bag of ice packs.

I felt very motherly in that moment, even alone in my small hotel room in downtown Manhattan.

This baby gets more action than my husband.  (A lot more.)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter in photos

On Good Friday I blocked off my work calendar from 3-5 and wrote, "Go home to Annie."  And on Monday of this past week I ran 10 blocks and up three flights of stairs, my heft bounding down the city cement to reach a 7:02 train so I could make it home before we put Annie down for the night.  When I got home she was asleep in her swing - our willful and charming baby in sweet repose.

This is why weekends are so very dear to me, particularly this past Easter weekend - Annie's first.  Let me tell you: that girl will never be lacking for love.

Here are a few photos from a terrific two days.  (And yes, there are way too many of that darn kid, but I just can't help it!)

Annie and Matt on her first hike.  Every Easter weekend begins with breakfast out at a small-town diner and then a hike.  This year was no exception.  She was a champ.  At this rate she's going to be quite the consummate outdoors woman.

If I stand behind Matt and hunch over, I look several inches shorter!  In reality, we are the same height.  Here's a family photo (with me being faux petite) and Annie striking a diva pose.


Annie, wearing her tutu (of course), and Poppy Hoppy, her paternal grandfather, on the back porch.  


Our Easter baskets.  Yes, there is yucca root in the middle one (not to mention some artichokes and a coconut).  Oh, and yes - Matt (and by proxy, I) still receive Easter baskets.  Don't hate!


My greying pup, Penny.  She is now nine, but as lovable as ever.  She still loves roaming the property and taking quickie dips in the pond.  This girl will never be an old dog curmudgeon.


Matt's parents' place (where we also got married).


The dress was a gift, the bow from Target, and the cardigan from when I was a baby.


Two of Matt's cousins, Rob and Ben, fishing in the pond.


Matt's uncle, Joel, and Miss Diva herself.  (Check out those legs!)


"Come hither, boys!"


Molly, a precious 14-month-old, meeting Annie, four-months-old.  Total baby telepathy going on here.


Getting ready for Easter lunch.


Matt and Royce (Matt's sister's boyfriend) juggling.  He hated me taking his photo but I'm going all renegade and posting it anyway.  


Annie and her Granny Nanny (Matt's mom) basking in the sun.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

4 Months Old

Today Annie is four months old.  She is bossy and temperamental, charming and bright-eyed, and has loads of spunk and fire.  She's always ornery during weeknights after long days at daycare, but always smiling again in the morning.  She is resolute and more self-assured than I am at the cusp of 30.  She has no hair, rolls of chub and is about two feet tall but that girl OWNS IT. 

Frankly, I'm a bit intimidated. 

Last week I told her daycare provider to let me know if she was more fussy than usual as I was supplementing a lot of frozen milk in her diet.  Fran, her teacher, said, "Oh, honey, don't you worry - oh, she'll let us know!  She is not one to hide her opinion on anything."  And then a few days later: "We put Annie in the exersaucer and she just sat there with her head held high like she owned the room!"

Matt and I are scared.  And tickled.

It's a privilege to watch this spitfire grow-up.  To date, she can:
  • Raise her eyebrow in a look that can only be interpreted as, "You gotta be kidding me" or "I said I wanted the boob five minutes ago - what?  Do I have to ask again?"
  • Screech like a raptor
  • Have lovers quarrels with her stuffed peacock, Jacques
  • Grab necklaces off my neck seemingly saying, "You know this would look much better on me."
  • Wiggle out of her swaddle wrap Houdini-style
  • Giggle (only when something is up to her brand of humor, mind you)
  • And burst into big, gummy smiles when she spots you from her crib in the morning

In all seriousness, she's wonderful little person to have around.  Annie is delightful (well...on the weekends), sleeps through the nights, and keeps dazzling us with the silliest of things.  We're smitten.

Happy third of a year, kiddo! 

Sizing me up over dinner.

Monday, March 19, 2012

A Time Out






I always say I'm going to blog when I put the baby down at night.  I always say I'm going to clean, too.  And do my laundry.  And pay my doctor bill, and respond to that email, and dear god, shave my armpits.  None of this actually gets done, mind you.  Our house is a mess: Annie's outfits are piled on our couch, yesterday's dishes are by the stove, and I have gone a week without putting the toilet paper on the roll.

But today we took advantage of the balmy weather, the leftover sunlight, and the fact that Annie got a new hat in the mail (and the fact she let me plop that thing on her head for 10 minutes) and had an impromptu family outing in our very own backyard. 

I've never felt less guilty about letting the messes of life pile up.